Oh Dear Dyson

You just don't suck like you should. And I had such bright, high, dog hair sucking hopes for you. And yet here I am desperately digging out my 10 year old canister vac from Sears, digging up bags for it and placing you in the way back of my closet under the stairs. How has all this come about? Can it be that the MIGHTY Dyson doesn't suck as it should?

I finally got a Dyson last year for Christmas, I was instantly excited, not just for  THE. BEST. VACUUM. EVER. but because it was smaller than my hoover beast and therefore easier to haul out and hit trouble spots. Hahahaha. Right off the bat the power head didn't work, I called Dyson and no questions asked I was sent a new power head. Apparently they should have asked questions because it was the electrical hose that was the problem and NOT the head. Ouch, but still customer service is king, right? RIGHT? Remember that then.

Don't get me wrong I love love loved my hoover canister vac. Absolutely hands down best tool for cleaning, ever. What I didn't love was absolute torture of getting it serviced at Sears. I had the maintenance plan, sucker? Maybe but it still will suck up a small child if you hold it too close to them. I digress. Sears and "maintenance" don't mix, once they lost my lawn mower for 7 weeks. In their own shop. In the summer. So when it came time to have the talk about which vacuum I wanted and needed for the house I was at a lose. Another Hoover and Sears hell? Or strike off alone into uncharted vacuum territory? We ultimately decided against ever dropping another dime at Sears again after they screwed us over on our dishwasher and brand new drywall, I won't go into details but you can guess it was ugly, and we went with Dyson. Yes, I got it for Christmas but that's a big purchase and we always discuss those.

Once the Dyson got up and running with all good to go parts I started to notice things:

1. the cord is 12 feet long, how can you vacuum quickly with a cord you have to replug 3 times to hit all the rooms?
2. it would NOT suck up one metal bb, I spilled some on the floor, picked up most of them, found one while vacuuming and it would not go up the hose, period, would not go, then it became the thing, I must suck this bb and it really never did and it still can't
3. but it can whip a shit load of dog hair into a whirling mass of flying debris from it's turbo exhaust port that is conveniently aimed UP so these things swirl upward and land on flat surfaces like counters, food and plates
4. when the flat head or power head is off and you are in hose mode, the end of the 'hose' is almost 4 inches wide which makes it impossible to get into cracks and crevices-this leaves a HUGE amount of stuff unsucked up because seriously who the hell has time to locate the crevice tool which always falls off the damn thing and is lost, to suck up some crumb which weighs less than a bb and still won't get picked by the king of vacuums
5. and speaking of the hose it has what seem to be reverse style plastic hooks inside the hose so if things get sucked up, these neat little hooks keep you from actually being able to retrieve said 'things' and they're exactly one finger depth down and just almost out of reach, almost
6. and speaking of the hose part two: if it goes in one end of the hose it should come out the other

and that last one dear readers is why I am putting the Dyson back under the stairs. Well actually, I called their customer service line, because I thought it was such great service. I thought surely this is a problem they need to know about or perhaps they do and they built a new hose with equal openings on the ends. The solution, I was told? Get a curtain rod, ram the hose down on the rod and press it out. "Yes ma'am I know it went in one end and it won't fit out the other but if you want it out you need a very long stick. Or you can send it for service. At a charge to you"  Now the curtain rod idea is valid and I already tried that. What ever lego got sucked it is jammed, rammed and can't be reached from either end. And their customer service? Not so king now. I know it sounds rude but when your product it defective, and I can't get said product to work I have to look at the bigger picture. The bigger picture includes a customer service agent with a ready answer for "it sucked something in and it won't come out", like this is a common problem. A vacuum that fails in so many ways and has unhelpful customer service is a vacuum that I can't see fixing. Or sending it for service. Because the service center in Alaska? You guessed it Sears!

**Did I get a lemon? Is this entire small canister vacuum a lemon? I don't know, a good thought though pointed out by a reader so I thought I should address it. It is possible it is a lemon but the thought of spending more money to get the lemon looked at makes me mad.** just an afterthought

So, anybody have any great vacuums you want to tell me about? I'll be looking for a new one and freecycling this one soon. It won't hit the dump, don't worry, someone will fix and need it but that someone is NOT me.

Peace and Love--